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SNUFF FILM

SNUFF FILM
I love snuff films. The acting is real, the plot is easy to follow, and there’s absolutely no way there will be a shitty sequel.

 
I DRINK IN MODERATION - "MODERATION" IS AN IMAGINARY PLACE THAT EXISTS WHEREVER I AM

I DRINK IN MODERATION
"MODERATION" IS AN IMAGINARY
PLACE THAT EXISTS WHEREVER I AM

I drink in moderation. You kind of have to when you’ve only got 1 kidney and half
a liver.

ASSHOLES LOVE YOU - EVERYONE ELSE THINKS YOU'RE JESUS

ASSHOLES LOVE YOU
EVERYONE ELSE THINKS YOU'RE JESUS

Mom always told me to be like Jesus. So I stab midgets and punch babies. He did that, right?

 
YOUR MOM - RATED E FOR EVERYONE

YOUR MOM
RATED E FOR EVERYONE

She was rated DTDDE, but that was too long, so they changed it to "Everyone" instead of "Desperate Truck Drivers and Denny’s Employees."

I WANT TWO IN THE PINK AND ONE IN THE STINK

I WANT TWO IN THE PINK
AND ONE IN THE STINK

This is exactly like my actual Uncle Sam. Except I don’t have a "pink", so he just put all three in the stink.

 
I SUPPORT SINGLE MOMS T-SHIRT

I SUPPORT SINGLE MOMS
It's time to sit down and declare your support for single moms. Won't you lend a lap?

DONKEY PONCH

DONKEY PONCH
This is why Ponch was always more popular than Jon. Well, this and Ponch always threw coke parties in the evidence locker.

 
I'VE HAD IT UP TO HERE WITH MIDGETS

I'VE HAD IT UP TO HERE
WITH MIDGETS

Q: How many midgets does it take to change a light bulb? A: Midgets don’t use light bulbs. They have night vision.

FUCKING CLASSY

FUCKING CLASSY
They say money doesn’t buy class, but they’re dead wrong. One look at my Dale Earnhardt shower curtain and Victorian style meth tub proves it.

 
SWALLOW OR IT'S GOING IN YOUR EYE

SWALLOW OR IT'S GOING IN YOUR EYE
It’s unfair to make you choose one or the other. My loads are so big you can swallow a pint and there’ll be plenty left for your eyes.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE GAY TO LIKE BUTT SEX

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE GAY
TO LIKE BUTT SEX

The fact that she won’t get pregnant is great, but the real reason for anal sex is that you don’t have to look at her hairlip.

 
I'M THE ONE YOU GOTTA BLOW TO GET A DRINK AROUND HERE

I'M THE ONE YOU GOTTA BLOW
TO GET A DRINK AROUND HERE
You know what? I'm a pretty generous person. I'll go ahead and get you two drinks. Three if you promise not to call.

HOPELESS ROMANTIC SEEKS FILTHY WHORE

HOPELESS ROMANTIC
SEEKS FILTHY WHORE
And if the hopeless romantic's search is successful, he will soon after begin his search for ointments, antibiotics and a rare shampoo that comes with a very little comb.

 
IF I HAD BALLS THEY WOULD BE BIGGER THAN YOURS

IF I HAD BALLS THEY WOULD BE BIGGER THAN YOURS
At first glance this appears to be a "girls only" shirt, but don’t forget about the Eunuchs (like God did).

WORDS ON A SHIRT

WORDS ON A SHIRT
"We need to get these mutha fuckin’ words off my mutha fuckin’ shirt!"

 
WHITE FLOUR

WHITE FLOUR!
"Nuthin' says lovin' like being shoved in an oven!" He got poked in the stomach one too many times, which is exactly how Hitler got started.

ALSO AVAILABLE IN SOBER!!
ALSO AVAILABLE IN SOBER!!
My 12 step program has an escalator, and a wet bar.
 
COOKIE CUTTER

COOKIE CUTTER
C is for cookie. V is for the void in my life. This message brought to you by the
number 2. The number of cuts on each wrist.

THIS SHIRT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE AND NEITHER DOES THIS APPLE

THIS SHIRT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE...
AND NEITHER DOES THIS APPLE

This reminds me of the time Walter Cronkite shaved my balls while my gerbil said the alphabet backward. Then again, everything reminds me of that.

 
AT LEAST LIFE SUCKS FOR FREE

AT LEAST LIFE SUCKS FOR FREE
And I don’t have to meet life’s parents or hang out with life’s annoying friends. Also, life never charges me with spousal abuse.

I LOVE (heart) REDUNDANCY

I LOVE (heart) REDUNDANCY
Redundancies are annoying. Terms like "good blowjob," "funny midget" and
"slutty Sheila."

 
IF A FAT GIRL FALLS IN THE WOODS DO THE TREES LAUGH?

IF A FAT GIRL FALLS IN THE WOODS
DO THE TREES LAUGH?

Life is filled with existential quandaries. Like "Who let the dogs out?" and "Where’s the beef?" And "Why does my wife stay in an abusive relationship?"

DON'T MESS WITH TEXAS IT'S NOT NICE TO PICK ON RETARDS

DON'T MESS WITH TEXAS
IT'S NOT NICE TO PICK ON RETARDS

Can you blame Mexicans for border jumping? If you peeked over a fence and noticed that even retards can get rich you'd do the same.

 
GO LOCAL SPORTS TEAM AND/OR COLLEGE!

GO LOCAL SPORTS TEAM
AND/OR COLLEGE!

Show your support for your favorite overpaid athlete and/or subpar student!

piMP

πMP
"Bitch betta’ have my money! And she betta’ remember to factor in the costs of condoms and multiply by .2 to figure out her cut."

 
WHO NEEDS BIG TITS? WHEN YOU HAVE AN ASS LIKE THIS SHIRT

WHO NEEDS BIG TITS?
WHEN YOU HAVE AN ASS LIKE THIS
I couldn't poop for two days because my ass was swollen shut. I never saw you, but you violated me, you bastard jellyfish.

STOP CLUBBING BABY SEALS

STOP CLUBBING BABY SEALS
They never buy a round, they dance too close, and their breath smells of herring.

 
TO: WOMEN - FROM: GOD

TO: WOMEN - FROM: GOD
You know that you're God's gift to women. Now you have the shirt to prove it.

BAAAAAA MEANS NOOOOO!

BAAAAAA MEANS NOOOOO!
You always hurt the one ewe that you love, unless you use ewes that use lube.

 
I BET YOU'LL VOTE NEXT TIME HIPPIE

I BET YOU'LL VOTE NEXT TIME HIPPIE
Did you vote with the majority...and stay home? Nice going.

CANADIANS ARE EH'HOLES

CANADIANS ARE EH'HOLES
Let’s see... A joke about Canadians... geez, I’ve got nothing. This is like trying to make fun of a tree or a river. Call me when we add a retard shirt.

 
IF YOU'RE ALREADY THIS CLOSE..WHY DON'T YOU JUST SUCK MY DICK?
IF YOU'RE ALREADY THIS CLOSE
WHY DON'T YOU JUST SUCK MY DICK?

A great gag shirt. Because they can gag after they read it.
THOUSANDS OF MY POTENTIAL CHILDREN DIED ON YOUR DAUGHTERS FACE LAST NIGHT

THOUSANDS OF MY POTENTIAL CHILDREN DIED ON YOUR
DAUGHTER'S FACE LAST NIGHT

It’s good to let your kids experience new things. I usually just let them play in my socks or swim in my toilet.

 
YOU CAN'T HAVE MANSLAUGHTER WITHOUT LAUGHTER

YOU CAN'T HAVE MANSLAUGHTER WITHOUT LAUGHTER
Laughter is the best medicine. That is, next to any sort of actual medicine.

DO SOMETHING WITH YOUR LIFE - GET ME A BEER

DO SOMETHING WITH YOUR LIFE
GET ME A BEER

Once you’ve done that you can go back to grad school. Just kidding. Get me another fucking beer.

 
HE LOVES THE COCK

HE LOVES THE COCK
When your cock knows that you love and respect him, he will want to be with you. He'll sit on the porch in the evening and preen himself, sure signs that he feels at home.

IF THIS IS ON YOUR FLOOR TOMORROW WE TOTALLY FUCKED (NOW GO MAKE ME SOME BREAKFAST, BITCH)

IF THIS IS ON YOUR FLOOR TOMORROW... WE TOTALLY FUCKED
(now go make me some breakfast, bitch)

Make fucking an important part of your balanced breakfast. Stick milk, juice, toast, cereal, and a grapefruit up your ass.

 
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE FREE *PLUS SHIPPING AND HANDLING

THE FUNNIEST THING ABOUT THIS SHIRT IS THAT BY THE TIME YOU REALIZE IT DOESN'T SAY ANYTHING IT'S TOO LATE FOR YOU TO STOP READING IT YOU DUMB FUCK

I KNOW VIOLENCE ISN'T THE ANSWER I GOT IT WRONG ON PURPOSE

I KNOW VIOLENCE ISN'T THE ANSWER
I GOT IT WRONG ON PURPOSE

"Cut off your head and shit down your throat. I'm sorry, Alex. WHAT IS cut off your head and shit down your throat?"

 
THIS SHIRT IS ONLY BLUE WHEN I'M THINKING ABOUT DWARVES

THIS SHIRT IS ONLY BLUE WHEN
I'M THINKING ABOUT DWARVES

If a dwarf buys this shirt, I’m sorry to say that this shirt will simply burst into flame immediately after you put it on. I’m kidding. We don’t sell to dwarves.


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